It’s been a true journey discovering not only who I am, but what I am… what we all are. I’ve come to many realizations as of late. I remember a couple years ago, I was jolted awake by what seemed like a purely insignificant event in my life.

I was at a point where I didn’t want to casually date anyone and spend time in relationships that weren’t going anywhere. Therefore, I had ended whatever flings I was in, and some people took it well, while others did not. Some people chose to hurt me deeply without reason and I spent weeks in a confused and hurt state. I remember one person said to me, “I’d rather date your sister than you anyway.” All I had said was I wanted to end whatever relationship/interaction we had and that “you’re an amazing human, but I think we should have a clear end to this.” And that was the reply I got.

What confused me the most was why I had to feel hurt when all I was trying to do was respectively end any relationships that were certain not to grow.

(Looking back now I realize that I was dealing with people’s Egos and not their true selves.)

However, back then, I was extremely put off and began to crave spiritual solace rather than distracting human interactions.

As I became more ‘awakened’ or ‘aware’ of myself, I ironically felt more and more isolated from the people around me. I began to think and act much differently then my peers and I preferred reading, writing, and meditation as opposed to going out, drinking, and partying.

Some days I’d wake up with scrunched eyebrows and a confused look on my face as to why I ever enjoyed doing any of those things. It felt like I was asleep in my body, and it was just running on autopilot this entire time.

Once I began to view my actions and decisions as an observer of myself, I questioned everything. “Why did I react to every single thing that happened to me throughout the day?” “Why did sitting in traffic always get me upset?” Was I not in control of these things? Was I not in control of my own emotions and feelings happening within myself?

It didn’t make sense anymore. Where did I learn that I HAD to have a mask concealing my true self, instead of just embracing it. Why was all this effort put into acting and reacting to random things that happen to us each day?

The more I watched myself through my own eyes, the more I began to detach from my conditioned mind. And that was where the battle started.

I recognized this conditioned mind as what many authors and spiritualists refer to as the ‘Ego.’ This Ego was a completely self-constructed image of myself that controlled my thoughts and actions when I was on ‘auto-pilot.’ And that’s why I felt so out of control and susceptible to my surroundings.

Once I recognized my Ego and I began to separate from it, its presence started to get stronger and stronger. I realized in small moments of my decisions that if I chose to really do or say what I was feeling, a moment of hesitation would occur and I’d spiral into fearful “what-ifs.”

“What if I don’t go out this weekend and just stay at home, what will my friends think of me?” What if I did tell this boy how I really felt, he’d probably laugh and I’d be hurt.” The list goes on.

For the longest time, I struggled to fight this Ego determined to subdue it. I then learned that the more I tried to fight this Ego and its voices in my head, the louder it got. So I tried a different approach.

One day I sat on my bed and just listened to all those thoughts that swarmed my head. I listened, and my answer to all of them were: “well, that could happen, but I will be okay whether it does or doesn’t.”

As I listened to my own Ego and thoughts, a sense of peace washed over me. And I had gained control again because I didn’t actually need it anymore. I wasn’t concerned with my image at all which felt so incredibly liberating, it catapulted me into even deeper discoveries, effortlessly.

Clarity had come into my life, and while this entire time I spent so much effort trying to force it externally, all I had to do was listen to myself.

The most significant thing I had realized was that everyone has this Ego, not just me. And so, when people felt like they needed to hurt me in whatever situation it was, it wasn’t because they truly wanted to, it was because my vulnerability threatened the Ego’s very existence.

To put it simply, the Ego thrives on isolation and separation, while your true self thrives on truth and vulnerability. This not only brought clarity within myself but to other’s actions as well.

As I sit here today, 2 years into my awakened self, it’s still a battle to remain my true self in a society that operates the opposite way. I still struggle to remain grounded in moments where my Ego is desperate to come out, and sometimes feel isolated because many people are still living in the illusion of the Ego-centric world.

I do wish that there was more real in the world than fake, that there were more deep conversations had then small talk, and that people didn’t choose to hurt others just because their Ego was bruised or threatened. Maybe by sharing my truth, others will do so too, and even that is a huge step forward that I can choose to be grateful for.